I took my car to an actual alignment shop. A good bunch of guys that deal with race cars and seem to actually care about this sort of stuff.
It cost way too much, but it fixed my car. It's a totally different animal after having it professionally aligned. They set everything to the recommended specs, except for camber, which is now -2.0 deg in the rear, and -1.5 deg in the front. They thought the extra in the rear would be worth it since I intend to autoX and track the car. So as much as it cost ($360), it was worth it. It isn't scary anymore.
I am baffled as to how I got it so wrong though. My rear toe, especially, was about 3/8" OUT. How is that possible? I bought toe plates. I checked them again and again. I was careful. How could they be so wrong? The shop said they adjusted them to be 1/8" in. When I measure them now, they appear more like 1/16...but whatever. Close enough.
Camber was also pretty whacky. I tried to set all of them to -1.5 at home, but they were actually anywhere between about -.7 and -2.1. I have the angle gauge. I followed the directions. But again, I got it wrong.